Bad Kisser
by Lookey7
Summary: Wilson's mother is having a dinner party and Wilson doesn't have a date. He accidentally lets slip that he once used House as a fake date for a family event and suddenly people won't shut up about it. One-shot.


It was just supposed to be another consult. House wanted to know if the child had cancer and Wilson, as the only oncologist in the entire hospital who was willing to interact with the man, obliged.

After a quick look over of the scans it became rather obvious that the child did not have cancer. Judging by House's absence and the look of disappointment on Foreman's face, the diagnostician was trying to prove a point. That was all very well, what Wilson didn't understand was how they somehow managed to get onto the topic of his mother's upcoming dinner party.

"Why don't you bring House?" Cameron asked.

Wilson snorted. She had to be joking.

"Because I do not want a repeat of what happened the last time I brought House somewhere as my fake date."

The room fell silent and Wilson paused. House's team was staring at him.

"What?"

Chase was the first to respond.

"You _fake dated_ House?"

Wilson frowned. Yes. Oh. He had said that hadn't he?

"It was a long time ago." he replied.

It had only been a month ago but they didn't need to know that. He made for a quick exit.

Chase and Cameron exchanged meaningful glances and Chase rose to stand in front of the doorway. Since the pair had started sleeping together they still agreed and disagreed on the same things but they seemed more in sync. Normally it made Wilson smile but now it was just plain annoying.

"Chase –"

"You can't just drop a bombshell like that on us and they not say what happened." the blond argued.

Wilson let out an irritated sigh.

"He's a bad kisser." he deadpanned.

The room fell worryingly silent again.

"It's none of your business." Wilson added quickly.

"Of course it's our business!" Chase exclaimed. "If our boss decides to go sticking his tongue down someone's throat it's going to affect his judgment and that affects us. You know how differently he acts if he's happy, let alone – "

"You know, a siege works a lot better when the king is in the castle." came an all-too-familiar voice.

Chase's eyes widened, Foreman smirked and Cameron simply looked embarrassed on her fuck buddy's behalf. The blond slowly turned around to face his boss.

"Are you going to let me into the castle?" House asked, eyebrow raised.

Chase backed away from the door. Wilson shot the diagnostician a small but relieved smile and left as Foreman began to inform his boss of their latest findings.

* * *

Wilson decided to hide in his office. He had a lot of paperwork to do and an upcoming meeting that he was hardly prepared for. To anyone who didn't know him, it probably looked like he was busy with work and he could almost convince himself of the fact. Almost. But he couldn't stop thinking about his stupid blunder in front of House's team. He knew that there were bound to be consequences.

Wilson already had his head in his hands when House entered the office. He didn't bother to look up. He'd recognise the sound of that limp anywhere.

"House, you have a whole team to inspire today's epiphany. Go aggravate them."

House took a seat. Wilson continued to fixedly stare at the desk as if the action would magically remove the man from the room.

"You said I'm a bad kisser." House said accusingly.

Wilson looked up at him in exasperation.

"We've never even kissed!" he pointed out.

House rolled his eyes.

"That's not the point. I have a reputation to uphold." he continued.

"Yes, the reputation of irritating everyone in this hospital, including myself. Great job! You can go now." Wilson retorted.

He glanced back down at the desk and tried to focus on the work he was _supposed_ to be doing in the silence that was distinctly the sound of House not leaving.

"Cameron said that you need a date for – "

Wilson groaned and looked up before House could finish the sentence. The man was grinning in a way that was more than a little unnerving.

"No. Not after last time."

"She was asking for it!" House protested.

"I'm pretty sure Linda did not ask for you to spill your drink on her." Wilson scoffed.

"It was an accident."

"You spilt it _on_ _her head_!" Wilson exclaimed.

"I did her a favour." House continued. "You and I both know that redheads are more attractive."

"House – "

"Besides, it's way more fun when –" House trailed off.

There was a faraway look in his eyes. Wilson could practically hear the cogs turning in his head as the man stood up and went to leave the room, his limp more purposeful than before. He paused by the door.

"Pick you up at nine."

* * *

By lunchtime House was busy obsessing over his eleven year old patient who'd had her third heart attack of the week today; Wilson wasn't sure if he should be thankful to escape the man or frustrated by the missed chance to talk him out of the dinner party, not that it would've worked, but still. He would've liked the chance to try.

He was halfway through his sandwich when Cuddy took the seat opposite him. He eyed her warily and, thankfully, she waited until he had swallowed his mouthful before beginning the inevitable interrogation.

"So, you and House?"

She said it in such a casual way but Wilson could tell from the glint in her eyes that she was every bit as curious as House's team had been.

"Not you too!" he sighed.

She gave him a knowing look.

"Word spreads fast around here." she said, pausing slightly before continuing. "And a routine trying-to-make-me-let-him-do-something-risky-and-insane argument turned into him interrogating me on his kissing technique."

Wilson groaned and sank back into the firm cushions of the booth, wishing that they would absorb him there and then.

"Of course he did." he muttered. "It was one fake date! No kissing involved."

Cuddy waited expectantly in the brief silence that followed. Wilson noted that she had yet to touch her salad.

"Well?" she asked eventually. "Don't make me drag it out of you."

Wilson looked at her. Cuddy was determined. He supposed that she would found out the details at some point or other and he would prefer it if they came from him. Besides, she was a relatively trustworthy woman. He doubted that the story would spread any further than this booth.

Wilson sighed and straightened in his seat. Cuddy smiled and leant forward slightly.

"It was my cousin's anniversary and she likes to make it into a big event," he began. "that particular part of the family is always complaining about how they only ever see me in between divorces and she practically banned me from coming without a date."

"So you brought House?" asked Cuddy, her voice bemused.

Wilson sighed. Now _that_ was another story altogether but he didn't have the time or patience to relive it so he settled for a simple nod.

"At the time it made sense. People already think we're a couple fifty percent of the time."

Cuddy nodded and waited for him to continue, the look of soft amusement ever-present in her eyes.

"He came up with some story about how we met, which was close enough to the truth for me to not mess it up. Asides from that, all we really had to do was throw around more endearing nicknames for each other instead of the usual name calling and people were convinced." Wilson explained. "At first it was kind of fun –"

He said the words with a smile but Cuddy's raised eyebrow made him feel a sudden urge to clarify the situation.

"- in a completely platonic way."

She didn't look convinced but Wilson continued nonetheless.

"It went downhill pretty rapidly once we started talking to Linda though."

"What happened?" Cuddy asked, when he paused to try and decipher her indeterminable expression.

"Linda made the usual scathing remarks about my profession – "

"You're an oncologist." Lisa interrupted with a frown. "What problem could she possibly have with that?"

Wilson offered her a sad smile and shrugged.

"As far as she's concerned I'm 'Cancer Man' and that's not a good thing." he replied. "It's not an uncommon reaction in people close to cancer patients."

"Oh."

Lisa sat back in surprise, not even attempting to feign understanding. She saw how Wilson cared for his patients and she simply couldn't understand why anyone would dislike him for a disease that he worked so hard to treat.

"Anyway, it all gets a bit blurry after that –"

He was lying but Cuddy didn't have to know everything. Oh how he wished he could remember that evening with less clarity.

" – but I had to get House out of there before Linda's husband took a swing at him."

"Then what?"

"We ordered take out and went back to my place."

Wilson sat back and waited for her reaction. Her salad remained untouched. Was she ever going to eat it or was lunch simply an excuse to interrogate him now?

"You got takeout?" she said eventually.

" _That's_ what you're taking away from this?" Wilson exclaimed.

Cuddy smiled and he only just managed to stop himself from physically recoiling. He knew that smile. It was a smile that meant business.

"No," she said carefully. "what I take away from this is that you went on a date with House –"

"A fake date!" Wilson protested.

"- he stood up for you and you enjoyed yourself." she summarised. "You like House."

Wilson could feel his cheeks turning red.

"Of course I like House!" he spluttered. "He's my –"

He trailed off as he searched for the right word. What was House to him? A pain in the ass obviously; a grumpy, enigmatic addict, of course but there had to be some logical reason for why he spent a fair proportion of his time with the man despite all of his friends and colleagues advising him against it.

" – friend."

The word sounded feeble, even to Wilson's ears. Cuddy's smile was softer now and he couldn't help but wonder how clearly his face was broadcasting his emotions. She took his hand.

"Be careful, James."

 _Tap tap._

Wilson could recognise the unmistakeable sound of House's cane even from here. Cuddy withdrew her hand.

"Kiss or no kiss, you know what House is like." she said. "Once he gets fixated on something he won't stop until he's proven you wrong."

Wilson's throat suddenly felt rather dry. He succeeded in making a few strange garbling noises as Cuddy picked up her untouched salad.

"Word of advice – you and I both know that House doesn't do serious relationships well. Stick to fake dating."


End file.
